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If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Someone who thinks logically, provides a nice contrast to the real world.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.

It's always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.

I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.

No one is a virgin, the world screws us all"

Be careful whose toes you step on today because they might be connected to the foot that kicks your ass tomorrow"

!~!~I tried sniffing coke, but the Ice Cubes got stuck in my nose !~!~!~

If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again."

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."-

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

I'm not anti-social, I just don't like you"

"Don't talk to me, when I'm talking to myself"

"Home isn't where the heart is, home is a place you go where they have to let you in"

"We are all going to hell, and I am driving the bus"

"You can't make someone love you. All you can do is

stalk them & hope they panic & give in."

"You shouldn't compare yourself to others they are more screwed up than you think."

"We are responsible 4 what we do unless we are celebrities."

"The people you care most about in life are taken from u 2 soon & all the less important ones never go away."

"I can either be your best friend or your worst enemy".

We crush the caterpillars then complain there are no butterflies

"Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic."

I'm not a tease, Im just a reminder of what you can't have

**If it doesn't fit force it, if it breaks it needed replaced anyway**

"I hold the key to world peace, but somebody changed the lock!"

The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you dont have to mow it

"A person who aims at nothing is sure to hit it."

"An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble."

"A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."

"Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead."

"Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways."

You know what they say: A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down but what if you're diabetic?."

"I don't want to achieve immortality thru my work. I want to achieve immortality thru not dying"

Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.

The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do

Ugliness is superior to beauty because it lasts.

None of us can boast about the morality of our ancestors. The records do not show that Adam and Eve were married.

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks

A careful driver is one who honks his horn when he goes through a red light.

Either the wallpaper goes or I do

Always borrow money from a pessimist; they don't expect to be paid back

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research

A day without sunshine is like night.

Don't give other people a piece of your mind unless you can afford it.

Foresight is knowing when to shut your mouth before someone suggests it.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

If you hear an onion ring, answer it.

Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change

A metaphor is like a simile.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Some poems rhyme

Teenagers are people who express a burning desire to be different by dressing exactly alike.

Good friends will help you move. REALLY good friends will help you move bodies."

It's hard to make predictions, especially about the future."

Life is hard. Its even harder if youre stupid."

"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

"Lies circle the earth while Truth is still trying to put on its shoes."

I wanna be different just like everyone else

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt

I believe that imagination is more important than knowledge.

You can't argue with a sick mind

A man is not complete until he is married... Then he's finished

You're only young once, but you can be immature the rest of your life

My boyfriend said; "If you loved me you wouldn't drink so much", I said; "If I didn't drink so much I probably wouldn't love you."

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them

Mean people rule!

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing

Where there's a will, I want to be in it!

Jesus is coming, everyone look busy

Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole

God must love stupid people, he made so many

I souport publik edekasion

Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT

I'll slap you like a red headed stepchild!

REHAB is for quitters

TRESPASSERS WILL BE SHOT... SURVIVORS WILL BE SHOT AGAIN!

Every piece of paper has two good sides... Unless you use magic marker then you're fucked

When faced with a difficult task, pass it on to a lazy person and he'll figure out an easier way to accomplish it.

"Dont underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers"

"If winners never quit and quitters never win then who came up with the saying 'quit while you're ahead'?"

If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope he likes enchiladas, because that's what he's getting.

Whats this bout rowing gently down the stream? What do you think us rowers are? Pansies? HELL NO! Catch us if you can!

A good friend will bail you out of jail, but a best friend will be in the next cell saying "that was fucking awesome

What do sheep count when they can't sleep?

"Boys are like roses, watch out for the pricks...

Stoners live and stoners die, and at the end they all get high, then soon the don't succeed, FUCK IT ALL LETS SMOKE SOME WEED!

*Fighting for peace is like f***in for virginity*

It takes 42 muscles to frown and only four to extend my middle finger and tell you to bite me.

I wasn't kissing him, I was just telling his lips a secret!

Do you believe in love at first site? Or should I walk by again?

God created men first, cause you always makes a rough draft before a masterpiece!

Heaven won't have me and hells afraid I'll take over!

Guys are like slinkies its always fun to watch them fall down the stairs

A wise monkey never monkies w/ another monkey's monkey!

***Everyones entitled to be stupid but you are abusing the privilege***

~*~One day your prince will come, mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is 2 stubborn to ask for directions~*~

Last night I was looking at the stars and I was wondering where the heck is my ceiling!

Did you fall down the ugly tree and hit every branch on your way down!

*They say true love hides behind every Corner...I must be walking in Circles! *

Im an angel! Honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo up straight!

4 out of 5 voices in my head say go back to sleep

FOR ALL OF YOU WHO TALK ABOUT ME THANKS FOR MAKING ME THE CENTER OF YOUR WORLD!

I can only please one person per day, today is not your day and tomorrow doesn't look good either.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I am not a player...I'm the game

I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot!

East to the Sea, West to the Lands, Death to the girl who touches my Man!

I Know I'm Not Perfect, but I'm So Close it scares me~! ~

I smile because I have no idea what is going on

*See my halo* *Bright n shiny* *Mess w/me* *I'll kick your hiney*

I dont need Your Attitude, I Have One of My Own

****I'm not weird! I'm gifted****

You're only bad if you're caught... So that makes me a good girl, RIGHT!

He broke my heart, so I broke his jaw

~What a shame...looks like the ugly fairy kissed you on both cheeks!

**Friends don't let friends drink and take home ugly men**

**I ran into my ex the other day.... Put in reverse, AND HIT HIM AGAIN! **

IF YOU HATE ME, I LOVE YOU TOO IT ISN'T MY FAULT IM CUTER THAN YOU ARE

CLICK YOUR HEELS AND SAY "I NEED A LIFE, I NEED A LIFE"

Officer , I swear to drunk Im not God!

*~*I had a dream that I still loved u *~* I THINK I WOKE UP SCREAMING

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his or her shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Hooked on funks worked far me, Kant cha tell?

NOT THE BRIGHTEST CRAYON IN THE BOX ARE WE?

DON'T LOOK AT ME IN THAT TONE OF VOICE

Honk if you love Britney Spears, then drive your car into the nearest tree!

If its a good idea, go ahead and do it, its much easier to apologize then it is to get permission

Success comes before work... only in the dictionary

If your happy and you know it ...get out of my house

~*Never fight with an ugly person~*~they have nothing to loose! *~

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Your village just called their missing their idiot!

Everyone gets a chance in the spotlight; you can have it when I'm done!

~* Big Girls dont cry they get even*~

NO OFFICER THERE'S ANY BLOOD IN MY ALCOHOL SYSTEM!

Two Words Guys hate... Don't & Stop unless you put them Together!

*If practice makes perfect, and there is no such thing as perfect, why practice? *

God made mountains, God made trees, God made Mcgee, but we all make mistakes!

In some cultures what I do is considered normal

Even if the voices are not real, they have some good ideas.

Whoever said loves lasts forever was drunk

Call me anytime, I won't be home.

Roses are red violets are blue

sugar is sweet and so are you,

but the roses are wilting, the violets are dead

the sugar bowls empty and so is your head

My door is Always open, so feel free to leave!

*I'm not a Ditz. I just lack common sense*

If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk

Everyone has a photographic memory; some people just don't have film

SMILE! It scares people

Mirrors don't talk and lucky for you they don't laugh!

I don't come with dice-so don't play me.

This is an inside joke and your on the outside!

-That's all right, that's okay, you're going to pump my gas someday! -

I still miss my ex.... But my aims improving

Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Don't think of it as losing, think of it as getting beat by a girl

Roses are red, violets are black, if you doesnt love me, and then I'll give you a smack!

Love isn't blind...chances are YOURE the one that's blind.

Silence is golden...but shouting is fun!

Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy, check 3 friends, if they are okay, you're it

Some Kiss Behind The Garden Gate Cuz Luv Is Blind, But the Neighbors Ain't

Don't Treat Me Any Differently than You Would the Queen

EVIL is just LIVE spelled backwards

*You can think your funnier then me, its ok lie to yourself once in awhile.

Its not called showing off; it's called you being mad because you can't do it!

Life isn't a garden...so stop being a hoe!

HOW MANY BOWLS OF COURAGE DID U EAT THIS MORNING?

Roses are red violets are blue I'm skitzafranic and so am I!

LIFE IS LIKE A SNOW STORM...YOU'LL MEET A LOT OF FLAKES

Don't upset me Im running Out of places to hide the bodies

Normal people worry me

Some people get lost in thought

because its such unfamiliar territory

I told my mom I stopped raising hell and she called me a quitter!

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once!

I am a fan of talent, not bsb

My mother told me not to talk to strangers. I never talk to myself anymore.

I 'M SORRY DO I LOOK LIKE I WAS LISTENING?

~*If u mess with the best, you'll go down with the rest*~

~*Boys are bad, throw rocks at them all*~

*Did you know that I am invisible? But only when no one is around

I play the game. I play it Smart my energy comes from the heart. I use my head, I use my feet dont mess w/me I am 100% Athlete

Go find a straw, cause you suck

Go away.... I have enough friends already

What happens if you get scared to death...? Twice?

Fact: If you ever hurt me...you get it back 10 times worse...

Before you decide to live by the "early bird" policy,

find out whether you're the bird or the worm.

Lipsink and nsync whats the difference?

There is none

I never knew my father was an alcoholic until he came home sober one night..."

Sincerity is the key. If you can fake that, you've got it made

"Winston, you are drunk." - Lady Astor

"Yes my dear, but you are ugly, and in the morning I shall be sober" - Winston Churchill

"It's not true that life is one damn thing after another. It's the same damn thing over and over." -

Lady Astor: "If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea."

Winston Churchill: "Madam, if I were your husband, I'd drink it!"

I have great faith in fools - my friends call it self-confidence. - Edgar Allen Poe

Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise." - some dead guy.

A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer

"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as it nothing had happened" - Winston Churchill

How many frickin' times do I have to say, 'In the form of a question', people?!?" - Alex Trebek

I no longer wish to belong to the kind of club that accepts people like me as members" - Groucho Marx

Into every life a little rain must fall, but I think someone's mistaken me for Noah. -

Being right too soon is socially unacceptable. - Robert A. Heinlein

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it. - W.C. Fields

"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." -

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

I like to tell people I have the heart of a small boy. Then I say it's in a jar on my desk." - Stephen King

I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." - Britney Spears

D.A.R.E. Drugs Are Really Expensive!

I need patience. NOW!

Drugs cause amnesia and other things I can't remember

How can there be self-help GROUPS?

What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they can see things on the ground in close-up?

Is there another word for synonym?

Who's cruel idea was is to put the 's' in lisp?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Does Mr. Rogers really want us to be his neighbor?

Why do doctors call what they do practice?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If they're psychic and I need them so much, why don't they just phone me?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

Time flies... after you hit the snooze button

You can't tell a book by its movie

If at first you don't succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.

Here's a Quarter, call somebody who cares

Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date

Hey! Quit hogging all the ugly!

Don't go away mad, just go away!

We're having creative differences. I'm creative, you're different

Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!

Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you leave.

I'd like to see things your way, but I'm not sure if I can stick my head that far up my ass.

What is your worst sin? My vanity. I spend hours before the mirror admiring my beauty. That isn't vanity, dear, that's imagination.

If your parents got a divorce would they still be brother and sister?

I before E except after C. We live in a weird society!

Alex, I'll take 'Things Only I Know' for $200"

It's a beautiful world but everyone's insane."

~Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?

*Dont drink and drive u might spill your beer*

~* Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause

children*~

Winning is not everything. It's the only thing

If your not wasted, the day is!

"I majored in one of the liberal arts; will that be for here or to go?"

"my heart is broke but I have some glue"

"we can get high and float on clouds then we'll come down and have a hangover"

TV SHOWS DO NOT INFLUENCE VIOLENCE. CANCELING TV SHOWS DOES!

..Because I cannot stop for death.. he'll kindly stop for me

It's not that I don't like you! It's just that when I'm not behind the mic I'm a person just like you!

A man talks dirty to a women and its sexual harassement. A women talks dirty to a man and its $3.95 a min.

"Drug laws create criminals"

Your friends are worth more than you think--$7.99 at least!

Guys are like parking spaces, all the good ones are taken and the rest are handicap!

"Always forgive your enemies-nothing annoys them so much."

"If you need space, join NASA, baby"

Its not an attitude ,its the way I am

If the ocean was made of vodka and I were a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up.

But since the ocean isnt vodka and Im not a duck, Just hand me the bottle and shut the fuck up.

If you need a nickel ... I'll give you a dime. If you need a man Bitch don't Fuck with mine!!

If Lifes a waste of time & time's a waste of life, then lets get wasted & have the time our life!!